


달콤씁쓸 (bittersweet)

by plincess_cho (ai_hao)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Gen, Super Junior - Freeform, literally just a suju fic, loves of my life, no ship no pair just them talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 16:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12586276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ai_hao/pseuds/plincess_cho
Summary: “Knowing what we know now, about everything that we went through, would you still do it all again?”





	달콤씁쓸 (bittersweet)

They’re all crowded into Jungsoo’s kitchen, constantly rearranging themselves in an attempt to get comfortable. This is how they used to have meetings after all: crammed into the kitchen in the dorm, sitting on the floor and passing around snacks. Now they’re all passing around painkillers and more than one member is sitting on a pillow instead of the hard floor. 

Heechul props himself up in a corner, pillow under his ass and ice packs strapped around each leg. He refuses the bottle of ibuprofen as it comes around; he’d already pregamed with something prescription and much stronger. His legs have been throbbing even more than usual lately on account of all the dance practice, and he’s spent more than one night begging any deity who would listen for release. 

There’s an unspoken tension in the group tonight. For one thing, no one is yelling and no one has (intentionally) touched anyone else’s butt yet. Everyone seems to be mildly subdued, and in light of everything that’s happened lately, it’s not a surprise. 

Jungsoo calls the meeting to order, and the members all quiet down. Heechul isn’t exactly sure why they’re meeting, and from the looks of it, Jungsoo isn’t either. For once, he doesn’t put on his MC persona and instead just looks around at all the boys gathered, a weak smile on his face.

“It’s been a long time,” he says quietly.

The others nod in agreement. Heechul can’t remember the last time they were all together like this, but it had maybe been years. Ryeowook and Kyuhyun are on leave from the military, and even Henry and Zhou Mi happen to be in the country for the first time in a long time. Jungsoo’s kitchen is really too small for all thirteen of them to fit comfortably, but it’s tradition.

Jungsoo talks a bit about the comeback, the one only five members are fully participating in. Again,  Heechul feels guilt gnawing at his insides. He knows the members fully support him sitting out, especially since they’ve been the ones to help him walk out of the practice room when even that proves too painful, but still. They’ve talked about this comeback for over two years and now that it’s finally here, it seems everything is going to shit.

Despite all of his pessimistic tendencies, Heechul secretly wishes that Jungsoo would make some grand speech about how everything is going to be okay and how this comeback will be a smashing success and how Super Junior will be safe for years and decades to come. Not so much for his sake, but for the sake of the worried faces seated around him. 

He’s thought about their future a lot, even more in the past two years. For the most part, he thinks he’s in a good place. He has a variety of different jobs lined up in the entertainment industry and has worked hard making a name for himself apart from group activities. After all, this is what he’d wanted ever since the beginning. 

The others… What would they do if Super Junior stopped promoting? 

They’ve all talked about it. Not formally, but in hushed whispers and late night talks and drunken rambles. There’s been talk of musicals and solo careers and MC gigs and… and leaving the entertainment world for good and focusing on other things. 

They’ve always known that things would end. Heechul thinks that everyone has known deep down since day 1 that this wouldn’t last forever. After all, he thinks to himself, nothing lasts forever. He’d been realistic about the whole thing, but they had more than one idealist among them. 

He remembers seeing Donghae’s shining eyes in November 6, 2005, as they waited to go onstage. “We’re doing it, hyung,” he’d announced excitedly. “We’re fulfilling my dad’s dream.” 

And they had.

And then Donghae’s dad passed away.

And then the accident.

And then the other accident.

And then suddenly they’d all spent too much time in hospitals waiting for news that thankfully never came.

“Knowing what we know now, about everything that we went through, would you still do it all again?”

The room goes silent as all eyes turn towards Heechul and he realizes the words came from his own mouth. He’s not exactly sure what he had interrupted, but no one reprimands him for speaking out of turn.

“That’s a good question,” Hyukjae says. He takes a deep breath as if searching for the words to say.

Oh Hyukjae. They hadn’t gotten along for a very long time by no fault of Hyukjae’s. From his perspective, their personalities just didn’t match. From Heechul’s… well Heechul hadn’t gotten along with very many people back then anyways. He remembers the early days when Hyukjae had wanted nothing more than to be a dance group like DBSK or SHINee, only to be constantly looked down upon by everyone in the industry. He had worked so hard to change the public’s perspective, yet any time someone referred to Super Junior as the ‘garbage of SM,’ Hyukjae always took it personally. Perhaps part of the reason why he and Hyukjae hadn’t gotten along in the beginning was because Heechul had never wanted to dance or perform, but that’s all Hyukjae had wanted. Even now, Heechul knows he is one of the biggest impediments to Hyukjae finally getting the dance group of his dreams. 

And yet, Hyukjae had always left space for Heechul in the dance, in the group, and in his heart, and that’s what had carried Heechul through some of his darkest times. Hyukjae had been one of the reasons why Heechul hadn’t left, and for that, Heechul is grateful.

“I think yes,” Hyukjae says after a moment. “It hasn’t been easy, but this has always been my dream and I wouldn’t give it up for the world.”

Heechul had expected that. After all, he had been the vice-leader while Jungsoo was enlisted, and Heechul suspects that he feels the same sense of responsibility for keeping everyone together as Jungsoo does.

“I would too,” Yesung pipes up next. Heechul thinks it’s funny that they all think of Yesung as well… Yesung and nothing else. To this day, he still can’t bring himself to use Jungsoo or Hyukjae’s stage names, but calling Yesung ‘Jongwoon’ just seems weird.

“Promoting alone made me realize…” Yesung pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing, “made me realize that even though I wanted to do this alone at the beginning, I’m glad that I got put into this team instead.”

Heechul remembers Yesung’s complaints in the beginning. He hadn’t been shown on the television for the first three weeks of his debut, and then when the company informed them a mere four months later that they were adding in another vocalist, Yesung had nearly lost it. He’d spiralled into depression, and that was something Heechul had understood.

They’d all expected something different in the beginning, Heechul thinks. The company sure had: their rotational money-making idea had been crushed only months into their first trial run. It had worked out for everyone involved, of course, and sometimes, Heechul forgets that that’s how they had started: as a project group of reject trainees not meant to last the year.

Ryeowook is next, and he echoes the sentiments of the others. “I maybe would’ve enlisted earlier,” he says with a sad smile. His hair is still cropped to the length mandated by the army, but he looks better than Heechul had seem him in a while. Army seems to be doing him well, and Heechul is grateful that it so far isn’t as soul-crushing for Ryeowook as it had been for him. 

He’s squished in between Yesung and Youngwoon, who speaks next. He smiles sadly to himself and says, “I’d do it again, but I’d do some things differently.”

The others all nod in understanding. Some of the others had been outraged when the recent incident had occurred, and Heechul had completely understood their frustration. Yet at the same time he understood Youngwoon’s misjudgment as he realized that it could have just as easily been him behind the wheel. Heechul remembers many nights where he had been thankful to be locked in his dorm room, self-medicating on cheap alcohol and self-hatred, left to hurt himself and no one else.

“I…” Sungmin starts. All eyes turn towards him and Heechul’s heart breaks a little. Heechul completely understands why Sungmin would hesitate. The absolute mutiny of the supposed ‘fans’ had shaken them all up, but Sungmin most of all. This had been one of the bigger fights between the members too, mainly because it had hardly been a fight at all: just a cold, silent war and that had hurt even more.

They’d since resolved it, of course. Heechul had been the one to drag everyone together and force an ultimatum, ironic since he would never consider himself a peacemaker. They had all yelled, fought, talked, cried, and finally made up, and things between the members had slowly but surely gone back to normal.

“We’re family,” Donghae had said through tears. “No matter what happens, we’re still a family.”

“I still think I would,” Sungmin says finally. He doesn’t add that he’d change anything, and for that Heechul is grateful. He shouldn’t have to, and Heechul will stand beside him in that.

Heechul knows Sungmin almost gave up before they even debuted. They had been watching all of their trainee videos one night, and Heechul had watched pre-debut Sungmin go from hopeful and bright-eyed to downcast and discouraged. Heechul sighs to himself. If he could, he would protect Lee Sungmin with every ounce of strength he has, but he wonders if even that will be enough.

They’re getting older. He and Jungsoo feel that more than the rest, but the others are starting to complain about achy joints and receding hairlines. Sometimes he rewatches old videos and wonders who the fresh-faced boys are staring back at him. Those videos seem like they’d been shot a lifetime ago, and maybe they were. 

Donghee says he would do it all again. “It isn’t what I expected, but…” He doesn’t elaborate, and he doesn’t have to. Heechul remembers how he had cried before he enlisted, finally publicly expressing the sadness he had harbored for so many years. Donghee indeed had had a rough go of it yet had soldiered through every hardship with a smile ready to share. 

And, Heechul realizes now, they couldn’t do it without Donghee. He and Hyukjae had orchestrated nearly every stage and performance for the past few years. Yes, they’d still hired choreographers and such, but it had always been Donghee and Hyukjae to really make it into something with a distinct ‘SJ-Flavor.’ 

And it had always been Donghee and Hyukjae to leave a Heechul-sized space, just for him.

Heechul hears an intake of breath on his right side and glances over to see Zhou Mi looking like he wants to speak. Heechul gives him a minute to gather his courage, but Zhou Mi deflates a little and says nothing. 

“I think I’m a ‘maybe’,” Henry says, before Zhou Mi gathers strength. “I mean, I like you guys, but, you know.” And they do know. His fate had been sealed back in 2006, and he’d been working diligently to change it ever since. 

“I’m a ‘maybe’ too,” Zhou Mi says, finally gathering the courage to speak, “but leaning toward a yes.” He offers the others a smile, and Heechul gives him an encouraging nudge. He still remembers meeting Zhou Mi for the first time when Hankyung had dragged him to the hospital to help Heechul out. Zhou Mi had been significantly gawkier (hadn’t they all?) with a constant look of confusion, but he had been kind and had assisted Heechul with every task imaginable without a complaint or frown. 

Heechul wishes he could change things for Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi more than anyone deserves all the success in the world, but the ‘fans’ and the company and now even the world political leaders… The times Heechul feels most powerless is when he thinks about Zhou Mi and wonders how the world could be so cruel to such a kind human being.

“I would do a few things differently,” Siwon says next, and everyone know what he means. He seems to have aged in the past few weeks, and Heechul knows he’d spent a good amount of that time crying, praying, and trying to make things right that would never be right again. 

It’s a terrible situation with no easy solution. 

They seem to have a lot of those.

Part of Heechul can hardly believe that they really have lasted this long. They'll celebrate twelve years next week and it hardly seems real. It seems like every year they face something new. Heechul had said before that no other group had endured as many hardships as they had, and he isn't wrong. Most groups only face the common things: exhaustion, waning fame, and performance injuries, but somehow Super Junior had run the whole gambit of tragedies. The accidents. Donghae's dad. Jungsoo's grandparents. The protests. The company. The scandals. Enlistment. The future...

But they've made it. Twelve long years that sometimes seem like the blink of an eye. 

“I’d do it again, but I’d debut in 2005 instead,” Kyuhyun says next. Heechul doesn’t blame him. After all, Kyuhyun had been the first member to enjoy the vitriol of the fans with his untimely debut in 2006. It had taken nearly a year and nearly dying before the fans (and the members) had warmed up to him.

Sometimes, Heechul cringes when he thinks of the early days. They had all been so… awkward. They hadn’t wanted to befriend Kyuhyun because they saw him as a threat. They hadn’t wanted to befriend Henry because they saw him as a threat. They hadn’t wanted to… It all seemed so stupid now, but that’s how things were back then. It had been every man for himself for a long while, until they finally believed that the rotation concept was truly dead.

Nobody prods Donghae for an answer because everyone know he’ll answer yes. Besides the fact that his father got to see him living out his dream for his son before he died, no one loves the members more than Donghae does. Army had been especially rough for him, especially because he had been away from both his family and the members. 

Heechul has to admit that he missed Donghae more than he had expected while he’d been away. He and Jungsoo had talked about it more than a few times while Donghae had been enlisted. In some weird way, they both admitted feeling responsible for Donghae as if he was their own son. 

“Maybe it’s because Donghae’s dad asked me to take care of him, but I just…” Jungsoo had said. And Heechul had agreed.

“What about you, Teuk-hyung?” Hyukjae asks, even though they all probably know the answer.

But to everyone’s surprise, Jungsoo takes a moment to think. Heechul watches the lines on his forehead deepen as he ponders the question. Heechul’s sure he has wrinkles of his own, no matter how hard he tries to hide them. He’s always been grateful that Jungsoo is older than he is, if only by a mere few days. Heechul knows he could never have taken on the leadership role that Jungsoo had and wonders how much longer Jungsoo wants to do this for.

How much longer they all want to do this for.

“I would do this again,” Jungsoo says finally. He looks around at the other members who release a collective sigh of relief. If their leader had given up, what hope would there be for the rest of them? “We’ve been through a lot, but that’s only made us stronger and better in the long run.”

Heechul had heard this speech many times before. To this day, the other members can still quote his iconic speeches: the ‘Ugly Duckling’ speech, the ‘Wild Grass’ speech, the ‘And not an End’ speech. They tease Jungsoo mercilessly, but it’s all in good fun and he knows it. 

“What about you, Heechul-hyung?” Hyukjae asks, and all eyes turn towards Heechul.

_ What about me? _ Heechul wonders to himself.

Looking back over the years, there had been so many days where he had wanted to give up. There had been even more days where he had wondered if this all really was worth it, if things might’ve been better had he gone a different path. 

But for every one of those days and every one of those doubts, there had been the moments that had made it all worth it. Standing onstage with the members, watching them all blubber about winning another award. Slouching into the back of the practice room to find Hyukjae had left a place for him. Ryeowook cooking for him while they watched dramas together in an attempt to fight off his depression that felt like it would crush him at the time. Hosting his own shows and knowing this is what he was meant to be doing. Driving between schedules with Donghae fast asleep on his lap. Sitting in Jungsoo’s kitchen talking about the past, the future, and every moment in between.

“Yes,” Heechul tells the others. “I would do this again.” 

And so it’s settled.

The night predictably descends into that comfortable chaos that defines Super Junior’s very existence. Heechul watches the cacophony from his new perch on the sofa and just shakes his head. 

The comeback, their return after two long years, is soon, and who knows what that will bring. But they’ll get through it, this Heechul knows for sure. He snorts to himself, realizing that Jungsoo’s optimism has finally rubbed off on him. He watches as Siwon carries Hyukjae around like a sack of potatoes while Donghae and Ryeowook yell at him to put him down. Kangin holds Jungsoo’s tiny dog in his arms, safe from the surrounding chaos, while Zhou Mi and Kyuhyun scurry off to talk about who knows what. Sungmin and Donghee start digging through Jungsoo’s cabinets, with Sungmin  _ tsk _ -ing about the little food that Jungsoo has. Everything is loud, but for the first time in a long time, Heechul feels the anxiety in his stomach start to ease.

It’s madness, but it’s a beautiful disaster that he’s happy to be a part of, if for a moment or for a lifetime.

**Author's Note:**

> Note 1: Heechul still uses the members' real names most of the time when he 'slips up' on broadcast, so I can only imagine he uses their real names more often than not offstage. Except Yesung. I don't think any of them call him anything other than Yesung (or yesex... lol).
> 
> Note 2: After the crying prank on EHB, they really did all sit on the floor of the dorm kitchen and talk about the future and how much they meant to each other and my heart breaks every single time.
> 
> Note 3: Comments are love ♡


End file.
